Friday, June 12, 2009

Fame in the times of Cholera - Ten ways to eternal glory.

I think Maya’s got it right..Maya who? Who else but behnji from the Northern Province. Every ruler would want to be remembered a great in posterity. And if history has taught us anything it is that to be remembered great, you’ve got to build stuff for archeologists to dig up in the future. Or just look at this Tut built a gold mask or whatever and got himself buried in that, Nebuchadenessar built the hanging gardens, Akbar the fort at Agra. The Taj and the Great Pyramid and the Coliseum. And I guess for all the criticism that’s been thrown at Behnji for being a backward (looking) leader, I must say she has her eyes set on the future. Well it does seem so from the single minded determination with which she’s building shrines to herself all over Lucknow, Noida and the rest of the province. The last I heard the largest dome in all of Asia would soon no longer be the Gol Gumbaz as history books taught us. Instead it would be somewhere in Noida with Behnji’s name inscribed. But then I was left wondering if it isn’t all this a waste. Utterly profligate in these bleak times. I can understand the craving that every man has to leave a mark on the world even after death. But is all this necessary. Hence I started thinking of a few ways to be remembered for ever…but in cost effective ways. Here goes.

1. Make cheap copper coins with your profile embossed in them on one side and your name inscribed as the great King 'YourName' on the other. About a thousand would do. Obtain a thousand post covers and five rupee stamps for each. Put one coin in a cover, paste the stamp and send it to random addresses in thousand locations around the world.
Eg: To, Mr. Cherian Nair, American Junction, Newyork, America.
Not finding the recipient the letter and with it the coin would find its way to some dump yard soon enough. This way coins with your name and profile embedded would be in around 1000 locations for future archeologists to dig up.
Cost of fame:
Coins @ Rs 10 per piece: 1000 X 10 = Rs10000
Post Covers @ Rs 5 per piece: 1000 X 5 = Rs5000
Stamps @ Rs 5 per piece: 1000 X 5 = Rs5000
Total – Rs 20000

2. Visit yahoo chat rooms of historic cities or cities which have historic monuments like Pisa, Cairo, Beijing, Machu Pichu etc. and get pally with one person each from these places. Convince them on some grounds, say it’s your dying mother’s last wish, to bury metallic boards somewhere near the periphery of the compound which houses the famous monuments in their city with this message inscribed in it:
“This great monument was built by/in memory of the great ruler ‘YourName’ in the year ‘Year of construction of the monument’”
Cost of fame:
Internet at Rs 15/hour and assuming it takes one hour chat sessions for a month to convince 10 such persons.
Total Cost = 15 X 30 = Rs1500

3. Build fake websites glorifying the greatness of King ‘YourName’ and host it in servers located everywhere from Kyoto to Mogadishu and in as many languages as you find translators. Pay google for ads and some ad agency for keyword optimizing your website by adding words like “Prostitute”, “sex”, “gay”, “lesbian”, “drugs”, “viagra” etc etc.
Cost of Fame:
Cost of website @ Rs 1000 per website for 20 websites = Rs 20000
Cost of Google ad. Somebody help me here. I’m venturing for around Rs 10000
Cost of keyword optimization. Again somebody help me here. Venturing for Rs 10000 again.
Total – Rs 40000

4. Have a star named after you at star registry. In the future when inter galactic travel will be made possible and some earthling will be traveling to planet Krypton to meet his uncle Clark Kent and he passes by the star with a board on it which says “Star ‘YourName’ of Galaxy-YK4533S”, he’s gonna do a google (yea google’s gonna be there even then I bet) on ‘YourName’ to find several websites (the ones that you created long ago) glorifying the great King ‘YourName’. Well I’m sure people will start talking.
Cost of Fame:
Cost of naming a star at = approx. $500 = @ Rs 50 a dollar = Rs 25000
Total Cost – Rs 25000

5. Spread emails saying King YourName,  dying king of different lands like Siberia/Nigeria/Tasmania/Albania/Lithuania is seeking heirs for his unfathomable wealth. Please forward this mail to all your loved ones who shall all receive a piece of it.
Cost of Fame: Again Internet rate at Rs 15/hour. Assuming an hour’s usage to send the mail.
Total cost = Rs 15

There’s your low cost solution to eternal fame. What? I promised 10 but I’m just giving you just half of it? I though you’d be used to such promises. Like what your HR department said when u asked for the variable pay promised at the end of the year. Well a sign of the times. :)
But at least here I am offering you a complete fame solution for just about Rs85000. That’s probably lesser than the cost of one raised bronze finger on those several Behnji statues that’s dotting every gali, nukkad and pan shop in the Northern Province.
These are desperate times and it calls for desperate solutions. But dreams need not be cut short in times of recession do they. Just reach up and touch the stars. Behnji seems to know.


mathew said...

haha...hilarious da....but in your case it would be fame in the times of swine flu!!!

silverine said...

You ave just SEO'ed your blog! LOL!!

A cheaper option than all this for the Behenji would be to hire you! :p

VMJ said...

@mathew: haha now why didnt i think of that.

@Anjali: Totally unintentional :) if only somebody would let behnji know of such a great untapped talent. :D

rocksea said...

Wonderful list and am sure Maya would love it, without thinking twice!! You should send the list to her!

rocksea said...

try sending this to a newspaper!

VMJ said...

@rocksea: This would really be a good time to send these suggestions to mayaji i guess. The SC seems to be after her to cut expenses. :)